self confidence

Why I Don’t Hate Myself For Being Fat

January 13, 2014 by Sarah Bramblette 6 Comments

I grew up in America, in the society that hates fat people and yet I’ve never hated myself. I’m not sure how I missed the memo that I am suppose to dislike my body and myself for that matter not just because I am fat, but I gather because I am female. It seems most women, no matter the size, skin color, hair color, or education level have been taught to hate at least one thing about themselves. To feel they are lesser than others, and for that matter then engage in this competition to be “better” than those who all feel the same way?

Confused?

Yes, so am I.

I am more confused by how I was able to avoid this self hate, and perhaps if I knew I could help others avoid hating themselves. It’s enough having society hate me for being fat, and then hate me even MORE for speaking up for myself against the hate. How dare the fat chick talk back to us? Or how dare the fat chick be happy? That’s not right, fat people are suppose to be sad and depressed! Shame on her for accepting herself and enjoying her life, that kind of example will never convince people that they should not want to be fat!

I make no apologies for being who I am, and loving who I am. If you cannot handle my reality then look away, but do not try to convince me that I am in denial.

People hate me because they fear being fat. They fear that if they become fat then society will treat them the way I am treated, or worse how they treat fat people. I have found the same hate from people who were once fat and have lost weight, they fear regain, they fear feeling the way they once felt about themselves. Why is being fat such a bad thing?

As I say, “Fat describes me, it does not define me.” Fat described my physical appearance, I do not hide from the “f” word. Sugar coating it by saying “pleasantly plump”, “plus size”, “fluffy”, “juicy”, “heavy set”, “full figured”, really does nothing to change my reality. After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.

I do not hate being fat because I base my self worth on more than my appearance.

I have always been fat, I will always be fat. When I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery the surgeons estimated goal weight for me based on losing 50-70% of my excess weight was 220lbs. At 5’3″ and 220lbs I would have still been morbidly obese and qualified for weight loss surgery. Four years after surgery, and after my panniculectomy I did reach my lowest adult weight of 250lbs. I had lost half my body weight from 502lbs.

Wow, half my size and my life was PERFECT. No, actually my life then was not as full filling and exciting as my life is today writing this at 406lbs (my scale could actually register my weight this morning instead of OVRLD).

When I hit my “rock bottom” moment in April 2000, I knew I had to make a plan to change my life. I was morbidly obese, unemployed, and had not completed my college degree. While my weight definitely affected my life, it was not the source of all my life problems. Yes, part of the reason I had not completed my degree was because it was often difficult to walk to class, there were also many times I walked to the building and spent the night talking to my best friend in the computer lab instead of going to class. My problems were not due to my weight; my weight and my life problems were due to me not taking care of myself.

My plan was to get my life together, address my health, which included my weight, to finish my education, and overall be employable. At that point in time it did not include having a boyfriend or dating. Honestly, getting my own life back on track was enough work without involving someone else in the process.

I might have mentioned this before but patience is not a strength of mine. So instead of setting small attainable goals to reach in a realistic time frame I decided to jump in head first. I applied for graduate school and was accepted, this then prompted me to quickly complete my Bachelor degree. I also decided the weight loss I was achieving on my own was not going to be enough, nor quick enough, so I researched and decided to have weight loss surgery. Looking back the decision to address my health and pursue my education at the same time was not wise. This was the peak time of my lymphedema treatment and in addition to the appointments to have manual lymph drainage and compression wrapping on legs I was also often hospitalized for cellutitis and required IV antibiotics. Nothing says dedication like pulling over to the side of the road to self administer IV medication via mediport. I had to take a quarter off classes, and in others I took “incomplete”. As I said, I took on too much for me and my learning style and personal discipline to manage. Honestly, managing to walk around a hilly campus with my legs wrapped was quite an accomplishment. I probably just needed more time, perhaps another year to complete my studies. But instead, impatience me jumped shipped after two years and got a job. I planned on finishing my “incompletes” via e-mail. The professors agreed to the arrangement. However, when shortly after starting my new job I had a whole new wave of medical issues hit, and my life took a huge turn which actually lead to my current career.

My new job involved relocating to Miami, Florida. Life was getting better, or so I thought. Four months after my move I was hospitalized for cellulitis and a deep vein thrombosis. A few months later I suffered a transient ischemic attack (TIA) also know as a mini-stroke. Further tests revealed I had a hole in my heart that had gone unnoticed since birth. I had was on the scariest health roll coaster ever, and the issues had nothing to due with my weight. Although I am thankful that by this time I had my health on track or the stroke could have been worse.

In my journey, the weight I lost was not nearly as important as the strength I found in myself.

After a year of seeing numerous specialists and opting to have the hole in my heart closed, I then proceeded to have reconstructive surgeries to have excess skin removed. I also had to have a hernia repaired twice. The medical roller coaster involved more than just hospital and doctors it include learning to deal with insurance companies. I learned a lot, I had to fight a lot for coverage. I appealed and won on many occasions. It was a process I understood, I process others did not and I found myself helping friends and co-workers when they had insurance issues. I then decided to change careers and returned to college to get a degree in Health Services Administration. Graduation was timed quite well, just one month before my position at my job was eliminated and I was laid off.

It took me a year to find a new job, but I survived being unemployed. I learned to cut back on household expenses like cable. I sold items I no longer needed. I was resourceful, a problem solver, I focused on the positive: I got to sleep in for an entire year! All jokes aside, the new job was not as expected. I experienced weight and disability bias and was not being judged on my appearance instead of my skills and abilities. If you have read this far you will understand why I was not going to accept that type of treatment. I had not worked as hard as I did to improve my life situation to be judged on my appearance. I did not base my worth on my appearance and I was not going to accept others doing so. Of course the more I stood up for myself against the bias, the more attempts were made to knock me down. Having had successfully survived unemployment in the past I was not scared of what the outcome was going to be, I was not going to waiver on standing up for myself. That job ended as expected.

While all this was going on in my life, my weight was also increasing. I even had a revision to my RNY in September 2010, and still my weight is back up to 400lbs. I can debate the reasons, I can defend my habits, I can point to Lipedema and the still many unknowns about the condition.

I choose to accept it, no I’m not “giving up”…I am, as I always have, accepting myself.

Just as being fat was not the source of my life problems over a decade ago, regaining weight does not take away or diminish all that I have accomplished and challenges I have overcome.

I still have my education, I still have my resilience, my survival skills. I have a new sense of adventure. I have a new sense of purpose. I have someone very special in my life who supports, encourages and accepts me…he’s also very handsome and makes me laugh…oh and gives good back rubs.

A change in weight does not change all the good that I have in my life.

I still have fat arms, a big butt, and huge legs. However, I also still have a beautiful smile, cute dimples and an awesome personality. Those attributes cannot be measured on scale, and if they could that scale would most likely read “OVRLD” just like my regular scale.

Why don’t I hate being fat? Because I don’t hate myself, I never have and I never will.

My Story in Psychology Today

November 11, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 6 Comments

My story is profiled in the current issue of Psychology Today (December 2013), as part of the article Do I Make You Uncomfortable?

This is the article for which I had My Abnormal Photo Shoot. In late August, I replied to a Facebook notice shared by the Obesity Action Coalition. Being a member of the OAC has provided many opportunities to share my story, and thus spread awareness about lipedema and lymphedema.

Does my fat make you uncomfortable?

According to the article that is YOUR issue, not mine. I knew this already, but I admit I misunderstood the article concept as originally told to me: “story about the experiences of those with physical differences—and how, on both a societal and individual level, we can overcome negative or prejudiced responses.” I thought the article was going to focus on those of us on the receiving end of the negative and prejudiced responses. Through my own sessions with a psychologist, I learned I cannot change other people’s behaviors, I can only control my own reaction. To my pleasant surprise the article’s focus is on the response people have when they see a person with a physical difference. It is a refreshing change for the discussion to address why some people have such adverse reactions to ME, since it is usually just accepted that it’s normal for people to act in such ways towards people who are abnormal. And yet, it’s not normal. Not everyone who sees me has a negative or prejudiced response, if that was the case I would not have so many supportive friends. So what does prompt the negative response?

Protective Prejudice

The theory discussed in the article is that people’s negative and prejudices reactions towards physical difference is rooted in an immune response and survival instinct protecting against disease. Interesting idea for sure! And does go along with the idea that people project their own insecurities towards me. The personal stories shared tell of instances for which we have experiences negative reactions based on our appears, mine included the now famous “check out them cankles” incident. It is inspiring that the other individual profiled in the story have the same positive attitude and outlook as I do and the hope that by sharing our stories we can help others.

Research suggesting that prejudice is a flexible trait abounds — and simply being aware that it’s not fixed can significantly reduce discriminatory behavior. Accepting that we all hold negative associates and becoming aware of the one we automatically make are also critical steps in the process of counteracting our biases. So, too, is encouraging people to talk about their negative perceptions.

My abnormal appearance is beneficial in life, it serves as a screening process. If people do not want to get to know me because of my looks, their loss. Now sure, it hurt when I experienced weight bias in the workplace but obviously that was not a company whose values align with mine.

Leave me a comment:

Have you read the full article? Share your thoughts.

Does my appearance make you uncomfortable?

Have you ever experienced a negative or prejudiced reaction to your appearance?

Living with Lipedema: Why Me?

November 7, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 2 Comments

Living with lipedema, as with the management of any chronic condition, presents physical, mental, and emotional challenges.

Physically, my arms and legs are heavy and extremely sensitive, the excess weight causes pressure and pain in my joints and tires me out very easily.

Mentally, I struggle with the reality of having a progressive condition to which little is know, and to which few effective treatment options exist and are not readily accessible or require insurance appeals to get covered.

Emotionally, I live in fear of when my next bought of cellulitis will occur. I am judged and stereotyped based on my appearance. I have been discriminated against in the workplace, and been denied proper medical treatment because of weight bias and stigma.

I often ask WHY ME?

A few months ago I made a pretty risky life decision, but one I felt was best for my overall health. I have returned to college and revived this blog and focus more on advocacy. Sharing my story publicly opens me up to comments and feedback, I have been warned the internet is can be a not so nice place. I know this…but I also know that awareness needed and I must continue speak up.

But WHY ME?

A college friend sent me this message a few day ago that answered that question:

“Though you’ve always had a voice, we are both great talkers. I believe you have truly and finally found YOUR voice. I think you’ve landed and are doing exactly what you should be doing. Perhaps you were given your conditions so that you can use your ability to talk-and unabashed ability to speak your mind so that those who aren’t as vocal (and I mean that in a great way) have someone on their side to encourage them to speak up when things go wrong.”

NHBPM Day 3: My Mascot!

November 3, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 1 Comment

National Health Blog Post Month Day 3: My Mascot!
Give your condition, community, or self a mascot. Who is it? What do they represent? What is their battle cry?

My Mascot? My friends know my Mascot is my boyfriend. His online gamer name is Mascot, so I often refer to him by that, along with about three other “names” none of which are his REAL name. Mascot, my boyfriend, is also responsible for giving me the idea for my mascot, Princess Peach. When we first met he nicknamed me Peach because my initials, SMB, are the same as Super Mario Bros, I have blonde hair (when I have highlights), and my real name, Sarah, means Princess…oh and I bake cakes!

I’m not quite the damsel in distress like Princess Peach, I’m not one to just be waiting around to be saved. I am perfectly capable of playing the game, and facing the challenges of life on my own. However, I do suck at playing video games, so I would have to say I’m just a “support character” in that sense. And like Princess Peach, I do not have very good vertical jumping abilities. But I like a good adventure!

Lymphedema and Lipedema do often “kidnap” me. The pain and swelling associated with the conditions often limit my ability to walk and be as active as I would like. Treatment can be just as limiting as the conditions. Being tethered to a compression pump for hours a day, or being compression wrapped like a mummy can be both a physical and mental struggle to manage.

I found these toy cars with Peach and Mario and we take them with us on our adventures. We now live 1000 miles apart so Peach and Mario are even more important to me as a way to keep connected. Like the game there are always different types of levels and worlds to challenge and achievements to reach. I have dealt with lymphedema and lipedema for more than a decade, and yet there are always new challenges and new opportunities on the horizon. This blog is one of them. My Mascot, the boyfriend, supports me through the challenges my condition presents. He is my support and my cheerleader, and Princess Peach reminds me of him and the super powers he gives me in life.

NHBPM Day 2: My Big Caboose – Little Engine Remix

November 2, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 2 Comments

Day 2 of National Health Blog Post Month and today’s prompt is “The Little Engine” taken from the children’s story, The Little Engine that Could:

Write 3 lines that start with “I think I can…”

Then write 3 lines that start with “I know I can…”

I had to laugh when I thought of the train analogy and my medical condition because my caboose is a much more prominent and powerful train car in my journey. Do trains still have cabooses? For a few years during my childhood I lived near train tracks and I would always love waiting for the end of the train to come by so I could wave to “Mr. Caboose Man”. My caboose (butt) is big because of Lipedema. But that size and weight does not hold me back, instead it is the real source of my power and strength. Living with Lipedema has made me strong, resilient, resourceful, and compassionate.

With that said…here is my Big Caboose – Little Engine Remix

I think I can be a catalyst for change.

I think I can encourage others to be their own advocates.

I think I can change society’s perception of obesity by sharing my story.

I know I can be myself.

I know I can survive.

I know I can win most battles with health insurance companies.

What do you THINK and KNOW you CAN do? What is your source of power and strength?

My Abnormal Photo Shoot

October 9, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 6 Comments

For me, not smiling for a picture is definitely not normal. But the real abnormality of the photo shoot was ME. I replied to a post looking for individuals with abnormal appearances for a magazine article. Due to lipedema my arms and legs are abnormally disproportional to the rest of my body. While most people try to hide or cover up the parts of their body that do not meet a certain societal level of acceptance, that is not an option for me so I choose to just be comfortable in my own skin, all 400lbs of it.

Trust me being comfortable in my own skin is much easier said than done. There is no physical comfort living with lipedema. Every inch of my arms and legs are sensitive, and the slightest touch results in bruising. In addition, the excess weight makes simple movements much more tiring. Imagine having to do your normal daily tasks with 5lb sacks of flour attached to each arm, and a toddler clutched to each leg? Then when you need to stop and rest, people think you’re just “being lazy.” Standing for any period of time is exhausting, sitting is a bit better but gravity still affects the pooling of lymph fluid in my legs causing painful swelling, so laying down must provide the only real relief, right? Not exactly, it’s hard to be comfortable laying down because the abnormal size and shape of my hips and legs makes finding a restful position difficult.

However, rarely do I complain, because the abnormality of lipedema has become my new normal. I have no control over the physical aspect of my disease. So I choose to make the most of what I can control, and that is the mental aspect. Which is the focus of the magazine article. Psychology Today is featuring a “story about the experiences of those with physical differences—and how, on both a societal and individual level, we can overcome negative or prejudiced responses.”

So back to the photo shoot. I realized that I had not had professional portraits taken since my high school senior pictures. I asked if there were any guidelines for what type of clothes to wear and was told nothing specific. So I did what probably few other females would do, I picked a nearly three year old dress out of my closet to wear. The dress looks nice on me and shows my arms and legs. The morning of the shoot I woke up, fixed my own hair and did my own make-up. I kept thinking how most people with bodies the size of mine hide from the camera, and when they are in a few pictures they delete any shot they think is unflattering. Here I was volunteering to have my pictures in a national magazine and I’m wearing an old dress and doing my own hair and make-up.

The photographer arrived, moved some living room furniture around and set up his equipment. I was ready for the my close up! Then came the shocker and most difficult part of the photo shoot…I was told not to smile. WHAT? Me. Not. Smile. That’s just soooo abnormal??? And it’s even harder not to smile when you’re trying to NOT SMILE. And of course the photographer and I struck up a conversation and well since I’m so amusing, I smile and laugh a lot during conversations. I will not know which poses were selected for until the article comes out in the November edition, but I know the real Sarah shines through as always. Although my normal persona is fun, happy Sarah, anyone who knows the real me knows my strong and confident side…and smile or no smile…I’m still Sarah.

*Update* See the final picture in My Story in Psychology Today

Dancing for Dollars! Support me in the Walk from Obesity!

August 9, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette Leave a Comment

No tutu until I reach my fundraising goal of $1000!

If I reach my goal of $1000 in donations by the morning of the walk, August 18th! I will WALK IN MY SWIMSUIT (and tutu).

Lululemon cannot cover my @ss, and the sky is blue.

August 3, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 5 Comments

This week another clothing retailer revealed they do not and will NOT make their clothes available in plus sizes and the media exploded in outrage. How is this new?

Did we all forget the 5-7-9 store? (I wonder what the vanity size equivalent would be.)

This is nothing new; no business can cater to everyone. It’s just not a smart business strategy.

I’m especially NOT upset that I will never be able to fit into a pair of Lululemon yoga pants, despite my affinity for yoga pants. It is obvious Lululemon is not capable of handling the quality needs of plus size women. In case you forgot they had to recall yoga pants due to sheerness. Uh, no thank you.

Making and designing Plus Size clothing is more than just taking a normal size item and making it bigger. Plus Size women have different body types, curves in different places, and different quality needs. Even among the clothing stores that do cater to Plus Sizes, there are different styles and different fits…Torrid, to Lane Bryant to Catherine’s. All have a very different style of clothing, and I notice a different in “fit” among stores. Junonia is a company that specializes in active clothing for Plus Size women, more than just yoga pants, but swimwear and outdoors clothing.

Wait, what was that? There are stores that cater to ONLY plus size women? How dare they not make their cute available to normal size women? I am not being sarcastic. Years ago I worked at Lane Bryant, and we often had normal sized women walk in asking for the shirt in the window in their size, and we had to break the news that the smallest we carried was a 14. And remember that’s a Women’s size 14, not a Misses 14. The fit will be different.

What makes me angrier than retailers who refuse to offer Plus Size clothing, is the treatment often received from the retailers who proclaim to cater to our Plus Size needs. As a plus size woman I realize I am going to pay more for my clothing, I do not think it is too much to ask that those clothes meet the quality needs of plus size clientele. Underwear should withstand more than 1-2 wearing. T-shirts should have appropriate designs. I opt to ask that Plus Size retailers do a better job at serving their clientele than demand all companies make ALL sizes. The latter is not a reasonable expectation. I’m quite sure the Tall and Petite women out there can echo this. Plus size is not the only specialty size left out by the mainstream designers.

Are we going to demand that Victoria’s Secret start selling men’s products? Oh wait. Victoria Secret is another store that does not provide Plus Size items.

I mean really I could list an entire MALL DIRECTORY of places that do not offer plus sizes. Why is the outrage only over those who actually admit it?

I think we all need to take a deep breath.

Calm down.

And redirect our energy towards other worthier causes. I choose weight bias in healthcare and employment.

Wow, story was picked up on Twitter!

Yoga Fashion Daily is out! http://t.co/Ue6x2zTVjJ ▸ Top stories today via @Katlynjz89 @Born2lbFat

— YYC Yoga (@yycyoga) August 4, 2013

Featured on ObesityHelp

August 1, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 5 Comments

I am honored to be today’s featured article on ObesityHelp.com – Advocate: A Decade in the Making. I have been a member of ObesityHelp since 2003 and have attended 7 of their events. October 4th & 5th I will attending the ObesityHelp 2013 National Conference in Anaheim, CA.

ObesityHelp asked me to share my experience and struggle with Lymphedema and Lipedema. Including fighting for insurance coverage of needed treatments. Both conditions affect individuals struggling with obesity, including those seeking weight loss surgery. Many like myself, are not aware they have Lipedema until after having weight loss surgery and noticing that despite massive weight loss their legs are still abnormally large.

Weight Loss Surgery Journey

July 30, 2013 by Sarah Bramblette 8 Comments

I had open RNY Gastric Bypass in April 2003 at The Ohio State University Medical Center. I was diagnosed and under treatment for Lymphedema since December 2001, however, I was not yet diagnosed or aware I had Lipedema. Gastric bypass surgery helped me lose the weight that was due to poor habits. I admit I have not always had the healthiest of habits, however, even before surgery I made MAJOR life changes, and while my overall health has greatly improved. Lipedema has taken its toll on my body and will be a lifelong battle.

My highest known weight was 502lbs. It was higher, however, the doctors did not have a scale that could weigh me. After several months of diet change and exercise I could tell by my clothes that I was losing weight and I so I went to a junk yard to use their scale and saw that despite my efforts I still weighed more than 500lbs. I opted to pursue weight loss surgery. I do believe losing weight has helped me maintain my lymphedema, and saved my life. As with any medical decision, having weight loss surgery is a personal decision best made between a patient and their physicians. I have read where many Lipedema patients have been pressured by their physicians to have weight loss surgery. Lipedema does not respond to diet and exercise, therefore, weight loss surgery will not improve fat in areas affected by lipedema.