Born2lbfat

My life with Lipedema & Lymphedema...destined to be fat.

Why I Don’t Hate Myself For Being Fat

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mecollage

I grew up in America, in the society that hates fat people and yet I’ve never hated myself. I’m not sure how I missed the memo that I am suppose to dislike my body and myself for that matter not just because I am fat, but I gather because I am female. It seems most women, no matter the size, skin color, hair color, or education level have been taught to hate at least one thing about themselves. To feel they are lesser than others, and for that matter then engage in this competition to be “better” than those who all feel the same way?

Confused?

Yes, so am I.

I am more confused by how I was able to avoid this self hate, and perhaps if I knew I could help others avoid hating themselves. It’s enough having society hate me for being fat, and then hate me even MORE for speaking up for myself against the hate. How dare the fat chick talk back to us? Or how dare the fat chick be happy? That’s not right, fat people are suppose to be sad and depressed! Shame on her for accepting herself and enjoying her life, that kind of example will never convince people that they should not want to be fat!

I make no apologies for being who I am, and loving who I am. If you cannot handle my reality then look away, but do not try to convince me that I am in denial.

People hate me because they fear being fat. They fear that if they become fat then society will treat them the way I am treated, or worse how they treat fat people. I have found the same hate from people who were once fat and have lost weight, they fear regain, they fear feeling the way they once felt about themselves. Why is being fat such a bad thing?

As I say, “Fat describes me, it does not define me.” Fat described my physical appearance, I do not hide from the “f” word. Sugar coating it by saying “pleasantly plump”, “plus size”, “fluffy”, “juicy”, “heavy set”, “full figured”, really does nothing to change my reality. After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.

I do not hate being fat because I base my self worth on more than my appearance.

I have always been fat, I will always be fat. When I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery the surgeons estimated goal weight for me based on losing 50-70% of my excess weight was 220lbs. At 5’3″ and 220lbs I would have still been morbidly obese and qualified for weight loss surgery. Four years after surgery, and after my panniculectomy I did reach my lowest adult weight of 250lbs. I had lost half my body weight from 502lbs.

Wow, half my size and my life was PERFECT. No, actually my life then was not as full filling and exciting as my life is today writing this at 406lbs (my scale could actually register my weight this morning instead of OVRLD).

When I hit my “rock bottom” moment in April 2000, I knew I had to make a plan to change my life. I was morbidly obese, unemployed, and had not completed my college degree. While my weight definitely affected my life, it was not the source of all my life problems. Yes, part of the reason I had not completed my degree was because it was often difficult to walk to class, there were also many times I walked to the building and spent the night talking to my best friend in the computer lab instead of going to class. My problems were not due to my weight; my weight and my life problems were due to me not taking care of myself.

My plan was to get my life together, address my health, which included my weight, to finish my education, and overall be employable. At that point in time it did not include having a boyfriend or dating. Honestly, getting my own life back on track was enough work without involving someone else in the process.

I might have mentioned this before but patience is not a strength of mine. So instead of setting small attainable goals to reach in a realistic time frame I decided to jump in head first. I applied for graduate school and was accepted, this then prompted me to quickly complete my Bachelor degree. I also decided the weight loss I was achieving on my own was not going to be enough, nor quick enough, so I researched and decided to have weight loss surgery. Looking back the decision to address my health and pursue my education at the same time was not wise. This was the peak time of my lymphedema treatment and in addition to the appointments to have manual lymph drainage and compression wrapping on legs I was also often hospitalized for cellutitis and required IV antibiotics. Nothing says dedication like pulling over to the side of the road to self administer IV medication via mediport.  I had to take a quarter off classes, and in others I took “incomplete”. As I said, I took on too much for me and my learning style and personal discipline to manage. Honestly, managing to walk around a hilly campus with my legs wrapped was quite an accomplishment. I probably just needed more time, perhaps another year to complete my studies. But instead, impatience me jumped shipped after two years and got a job. I planned on finishing my “incompletes” via e-mail. The professors agreed to the arrangement. However, when shortly after starting my new job I had a whole new wave of medical issues hit, and my life took a huge turn which actually lead to my current career.

My new job involved relocating to Miami, Florida. Life was getting better, or so I thought. Four months after my move I was hospitalized for cellulitis and a deep vein thrombosis. A few months later I suffered a transient ischemic attack (TIA) also know as a mini-stroke. Further tests revealed I had a hole in my heart that had gone unnoticed since birth. I had was on the scariest health roll coaster ever, and the issues had nothing to due with my weight. Although I am thankful that by this time I had my health on track or the stroke could have been worse.

In my journey, the weight I lost was not nearly as important as the strength I found in myself.

After a year of seeing numerous specialists and opting to have the hole in my heart closed, I then proceeded to have reconstructive surgeries to have excess skin removed. I also had to have a hernia repaired twice. The medical roller coaster involved more than just hospital and doctors it include learning to deal with insurance companies. I learned a lot, I had to fight a lot for coverage. I appealed and won on many occasions. It was a process I understood, I process others did not and I found myself helping friends and co-workers when they had insurance issues. I then decided to change careers and returned to college to get a degree in Health Services Administration. Graduation was timed quite well, just one month before my position at my job was eliminated and I was laid off.

It took me a year to find a new job, but I survived being unemployed. I learned to cut back on household expenses like cable. I sold items I no longer needed. I was resourceful, a problem solver, I focused on the positive:  I got to sleep in for an entire year! All jokes aside, the new job was not as expected. I experienced weight and disability bias and was not being judged on my appearance instead of my skills and abilities. If you have read this far you will understand why I was not going to accept that type of treatment. I had not worked as hard as I did to improve my life situation to be judged on my appearance. I did not base my worth on my appearance and I was not going to accept others doing so. Of course the more I stood up for myself against the bias, the more attempts were made to knock me down. Having had successfully survived unemployment in the past I was not scared of what the outcome was going to be, I was not going to waiver on standing up for myself. That job ended as expected.

While all this was going on in my life, my weight was also increasing. I even had a revision to my RNY in September 2010, and still my weight is back up to 400lbs. I can debate the reasons, I can defend my habits, I can point to Lipedema and the still many unknowns about the condition.

I choose to accept it, no I’m not “giving up”…I am, as I always have, accepting myself.

Just as being fat was not the source of my life problems over a decade ago, regaining weight does not take away or diminish all that I have accomplished and challenges I have overcome.

I still have my education, I still have my resilience, my survival skills. I have a new sense of adventure. I have a new sense of purpose. I have someone very special in my life who supports, encourages and accepts me…he’s also very handsome and makes me laugh…oh and gives good back rubs.

A change in weight does not change all the good that I have in my life.

I still have fat arms, a big butt, and huge legs. However, I also still have a beautiful smile, cute dimples and an awesome personality. Those attributes cannot be measured on scale, and if they could that scale would most likely read “OVRLD” just like my regular scale.

Why don’t I hate being fat? Because I don’t hate myself, I never have and I never will.

Dancing for Dollars! Support me in the Walk from Obesity!

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 No tutu until I reach my fundraising goal of $1000!

 

 

If I reach my goal of $1000 in donations by the morning of the walk, August 18th! I will WALK IN MY SWIMSUIT (and tutu).

Lululemon cannot cover my @ss, and the sky is blue.

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This week another clothing retailer revealed they do not and will NOT make their clothes available in plus sizes and the media exploded in outrage. How is this new?

Did we all forget the 5-7-9 store? (I wonder what the vanity size equivalent would be.)

This is nothing new; no business can cater to everyone. It’s just not a smart business strategy.

I’m especially NOT upset that I will never be able to fit into a pair of Lululemon yoga pants, despite my affinity for yoga pants. It is obvious Lululemon is not capable of handling the quality needs of plus size women. In case you forgot they had to recall yoga pants due to sheerness. Uh, no thank you.

Making and designing Plus Size clothing is more than just taking a normal size item and making it bigger. Plus Size women have different body types, curves in different places, and different quality needs. Even among the clothing stores that do cater to Plus Sizes, there are different styles and different fits…Torrid, to Lane Bryant to Catherine’s.  All have a very different style of clothing, and I notice a different in “fit” among stores. Junonia is a company that specializes in active clothing for Plus Size women, more than just yoga pants, but swimwear and outdoors clothing.

Wait, what was that? There are stores that cater to ONLY plus size women?  How dare they not make their cute available to normal size women?  I am not being sarcastic. Years ago I worked at Lane Bryant, and we often had normal sized women walk in asking for the shirt in the window in their size, and we had to break the news that the smallest we carried was a 14. And remember that’s a Women’s size 14, not a Misses 14. The fit will be different.

What makes me angrier than retailers who refuse to offer Plus Size clothing, is the treatment often received from the retailers who proclaim to cater to our Plus Size needs. As a plus size woman I realize I am going to pay more for my clothing, I do not think it is too much to ask that those clothes meet the quality needs of plus size clientele. Underwear should withstand more than 1-2 wearing. T-shirts should have appropriate designs.  I opt to ask that Plus Size retailers do a better job at serving their clientele than demand all companies make ALL sizes. The latter is not a reasonable expectation. I’m quite sure the Tall and Petite women out there can echo this. Plus size is not the only specialty size left out by the mainstream designers.

Are we going to demand that Victoria’s Secret start selling men’s products? Oh wait.  Victoria Secret is another store that does not provide Plus Size items.

I mean really I could list an entire MALL DIRECTORY of places that do not offer plus sizes. Why is the outrage only over those who actually admit it?

I think we all need to take a deep breath.

Calm down.

And redirect our energy towards other worthier causes. I choose weight bias in healthcare and employment.

 

Featured on ObesityHelp

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I am honored to be today’s featured article on ObesityHelp.com – Advocate: A Decade in the Making. I have been a member of ObesityHelp since 2003 and have attended 7 of their events. October 4th & 5th I will attending the ObesityHelp 2013 National Conference in Anaheim, CA.

ObesityHelp asked me to share my experience and struggle with Lymphedema and Lipedema. Including fighting for insurance coverage of needed treatments. Both conditions affect individuals struggling with obesity, including those seeking weight loss surgery. Many like myself, are not aware they have Lipedema until after having weight loss surgery and noticing that despite massive weight loss their legs are still abnormally large.

Weight Loss Surgery Journey

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I had open RNY Gastric Bypass in April 2003 at The Ohio State University Medical Center. I was diagnosed and under treatment for Lymphedema since December 2001, however, I was not yet diagnosed or aware I had Lipedema. Gastric bypass surgery helped me lose the weight that was due to poor habits. I admit I have not always had the healthiest of habits, however, even before surgery I made MAJOR life changes, and while my overall health has greatly improved. Lipedema has taken its toll on my body and will be a lifelong battle.

My highest known weight was 502lbs. It was higher, however, the doctors did not have a scale that could weigh me. After several months of diet change and exercise I could tell by my clothes that I was losing weight and I so I went to a junk yard to use their scale and saw that despite my efforts I still weighed more than 500lbs. I opted to pursue weight loss surgery. I do believe losing weight has helped me maintain my lymphedema, and saved my life. As with any medical decision, having weight loss surgery is a personal decision best made between a patient and their physicians. I have read where many Lipedema patients have been pressured by their physicians to have weight loss surgery. Lipedema does not respond to diet and exercise, therefore, weight loss surgery will not improve fat in areas affected by lipedema.

saralicious

My 23rd Birthday, September 10, 2000

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The morning of surgery.

I had reconstructive panniculectomy in December 2006. My weight was 280lbs. I eventually lost down to 250lbs.

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February 2007

And then regain began…

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regain2September 2011

But that smile still stays the same!

Mom, I Learned It By Watching You

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Remember this PSA from the 80s?

The tagline of the commercial came to mind as I read this article about how self hate is passed on to young women by their mothers.

The author, in a form of a letter to her “mum”, describes how she saw her mother as a “beautiful – in every sense of the word” until the day her mother called herself “fat, ugly and horrible”…and it had to be true because “mothers don’t lie”.

Tears streamed down my face as I read the article, and not for myself or for my own daughter (as I have no children), but for the many women I know who struggle with loving and accepting themselves. I was blessed to have a mother who was able to instill in me a very high level of self confidence. This was quite an accomplishment given I was an obese child. I honestly do not know how she did it, nor does she. She even ponders where all my confidence comes from, typically when she questions my decisive life decisions aka when we get in an argument. I’ve actually said to her “I learned this by watching you” or “you created this, you deal with it”. My mom managed to balance making accommodations for me as an obese child while still acknowledging my weight was a problem. Most importantly she never let me use my weight as an excuse, and she fought for what she believed was in my best interest. I took note of that, and that developed the advocate within me.

I am the youngest of five children. My mom, being the good Catholic mother she was, enrolled us all in the local Catholic school system. One problem, at age 5 I was already obese to the point the school uniforms were not available in sizes to fit me. My mother made arrangements for a family friend to make a uniform jumper for me. There was no fuss over this, I remember wearing a plain blue jumper to school until my special jumper was ready. I only recall one classmate asking me why I didn’t have a uniform, and it was a friendly inquiry. The next year when it came time for my First Communion, the same family friend made my dress. It was “Especially Made” for me for a special occasion of course, no fuss or comments about my size.

firstcommunion

 

Some people may think that by making such accommodations my mother was enabling my weight problem. I assure you, she was not. This very same year, 2nd grade, was actually when I first learned I was fat. I guess my older siblings telling me I “weighed 100lbs” never sank in as a reality. But then again I was a child, I had no concept of what a normal # weight was and I was active. We didn’t have 24 hour cartoon channels or video games, I rode my bike a lot, I loved recess! The school nurse attempted a weight intervention with me, but she was unsuccessful. Mostly because even though I now knew I was FAT, and I looked different than my peers, my FAT didn’t bother me. The following year my mom signed me up for a 6 week kids weight loss class at the local hospital. I remember the discussion about the choices we make for lunch, and it was assumed was all drank chocolate milk, I think I was the only kid in the course who already drank white milk, who liked vegetables, and who was somewhat active. Years later my mother told me the course instructors told her I’d “always be fat”. I was a bit stunned, but I guess their rationale was the reality, my weight did not bother me enough to change.

My mom still did not waiver, I had to walk to school, I had a paper route, and sometimes she just bluntly told me “you cannot eat the same as your friends”. In middle school my Girl Scout uniform had to be made. In high school my marching band uniform was altered to the point no more changes could be made and I eventually wore an alternate uniform. When I got my first real job, at Taco Bell, again there was not a uniform immediately available in my size so I wore a solid color shirt until a uniform was available. As an adult weighing more than 500lbs, when my best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding I did as I knew how to do and had a dress made in the same fabric and color as the other bridesmaids.

My participation in an activity or major life event never hinged on my appearance. My mother saw the importance of my participating in LIFE verses trying to make an issue about my size. After all, the reality is my weight DID indeed keep from many other activities, I would have loved to have participated. Show choir is one that instantly comes to mind, I never even attempted to audition because I knew I could not dance, reality might be I didn’t not sing well enough either. I also never auditioned for the high school musicals, even through I had performed in several children theater plays. I did however, work the front of the house, or backstage for all the musicals. When I got the job at Taco Bell, my mother firmly told me that if I quit the job as might as well not even come home. So despite the difficult time I had being 400lbs and on my feet for 6-8 hour shifts, I worked and I was a good worker.

The point is, already being limited by my weight in many activities my mother made sure I was able to participate in life, the alternative would have been to do nothing? To sit at home and watch TV? If you think telling me I could not do something because I did not have the right outfit was going to motivate to change my appearance, HA! It was just going to motivate me to figure out a way to get it done despite my appearance.

Going back to grade school. Once in my Brownie Girl Scout troop the activity was crab walk. In order to get the in crab position the leader told us to do a back bend until our hands touched the ground behind us. I tried but was unable to do a back bend, the leader quickly told me I’d just have to sit out of the activity. Instead, I got down on the ground and pushed myself up into the crab position. There was more than one way to get to the goal. Tell me it can’t be done, I’ll figure out a way to do it. I am an excellent problem solver, perhaps that’s due to a life time of accommodating my weight, but it’s an excellent skill much needed in today’s society.

It seems I developed a lot of my current “fight” at a young age. It was also during second grade that I saw my mother stand up for what she believed was in my best interest. I had been placed in the lowest reading level group, during class one day the teacher told me to stand up and turn around to read aloud to the class. I did not face the direction she wanted me to face so she grabbed my arm and turned me. She squeezed my arm as she did so, and I began to cry. She immediately made me write a note home to my mother stating I was crying in class. Upon reading my note my mother asked me why I was crying and I told her that the teacher had pinched my arm. My mom wrote a note back to the teacher stating that I had told her the teacher had pinched my arm. The teacher was told me “You write a note back to your mother and tell her you lied to her, your arms are TOO FAT TO PINCH.” So I sat there sobbing writing another note to my mom telling her I lied, yet I was not able to correctly spell the words for the note. Once my mother got the second note, she was more determined to get to the bottom of  not only the incident but why I was in the class and not being taught at the level of my real potential.

But here is the key, she did not storm into the school and raise hell, she followed the procedure, she spoke to the Principal, discussed her concerns with my overall treatment and asked what it would take to get me out of that class. The answer was I had to be tutored over Christmas break so that I could be moved to the intermediate reading class. Now, my mom did not believe I needed tutoring, but she did as requested. After the new year I was in the intermediate class, and I was getting high grades. Actually, at the end of the year I was one of the outstanding scores on the standardized test for second grade. But that was not the end of it, my mother moved me and my two sisters to public schools after that year, and we all flourished in the new environment.

I can tell many stories of my mother taking the same approach and attitude when something needed TO GET DONE. No, she was not an overprotective or “helicopter mom” (that term or idea didn’t exist back then). She just took the reins when needed, sorted out a situation, and got decisions made.

I am proud to say I am a lot like my mother! She taught me the important things in life, appearance should not keep you from enjoying life, and be strong and stand up for what your believe is right.

 

My Guide to the Perfect Beach Body

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hammock

Relaxing in Key West

It’s Memorial Day Weekend, the Unofficial Kick Off to Summer! Are you ready for the beach? I am! Last weekend I unpacked my summer wardrobe and found no fewer than 10 swimsuits! My best friend pointed out that I have equal number of sunglasses and beach towels to match each suit. She knows me so well!

Since I am more than prepared for the warmer weather I wanted to share my advice for how to get that PERFECT BEACH BODY:

1. Pick out a cute swimsuit – I suggest trying on various styles to find the suit that flatters your figure and features. I know many women default to skirted bottoms to “hide” their legs and hips. In my case, skirts do not flatter my hips, and lets be honest nothing is going to hide my legs…and be safe to swim in. There are however many options, out there, swim board shorts, rash guard shirts.  And of course this season’s FATKINI by Gabi Gregg,  if you are lucky enough to get your hands on one.  I found the halter top neckline looks nice on me, draws attention to me face which is one of my BEST features.

2. Put on your cute swimsuit – add a nice pair of sunglasses and sun screen!

3. Go to the beach – or the pool, lake, river, water park (I love Typhoon Lagoon…and looking forward to OAC at AZ Grand)

4. Smile – have fun, enjoy your day.

There is no such thing as a PERFECT body, no shake, or DVD is going to make you perfect. I learned long ago that people will comment on my appearance whether I am in a swimsuit or fully clothed, so I pay them no mind. Life is too short to keep worrying about what others think, ENJOY YOUR SUMMER!

 

I Wish I Could Bottle My Confidence

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I wish I could bottle my confidence and have Dove sell the sh!t

They say women will argue about anything, and that was evident this past week as an online battle brewed after the release of Dove’s Real Beauty Sketches video. I wanted to write about the video sooner, but I’m glad life got in the way and I waited, because the chatter and discussion that has occurred makes me wonder, why do we care so much about what other people think of our looks? Why is there so much talk about the definition of beauty when everyone has different tastes and preferences?

When I first saw the Dove video I shared it on my Facebook page and commented that my picture on the left would probably look BETTER than the one described by the stranger. I’m beautiful, I know I’m beautiful and that is all that matters…to ME. Do I think everyone thinks I’m beautiful? No, I’m not vain. I’m realistic. My features do not appeal to everyone, but I learned long ago that I can only control what I was given and trying to please or impress EVERYONE is not possible, so I focus on what makes ME feel beautiful and not worry so much about what other people think of my appearance. Especially people whose opinions mean NOTHING in my daily life.

OMG, look at her socks!

Yes. Socks. It was the first week of my Sophmore year in high school, I probably weighed 350lbs, if not 400lbs. Wearing stylish clothes was not an easy task, options were limited due to my size, and family income. However, my mom always made sure we had a few new outfits to wear back to school. This day I was proudly wearing navy slacks (securely pegged and cuffed), and a rugby type shirt with navy, green, and hot pink stripes. I loved my outfit, I thought I looked stylish. We had to order the pants through a special Plus Size catalog and I was relieved they fit! During history class I was talking with my friends and overheard “oh my god, look at her socks” and noticed the girl was pointing my direction. I thought, what’s wrong with my SOCKS? They are JCPenney socks! They are just typical white socks???  I was so proud of my outfit, yet this girl found SOMETHING she didn’t like about it and made negative comment.

At that moment I realized no matter how hard I might try to impress others there will always be someone, or something negative to be said. I was not bothered by the comment, actually the rest of the year my best friend and I had a running joke when we saw this person, my friend would say “Sarah, are your socks ok?” Really, no tears were shed over someone judging my socks.

And from the other perspective, I do not give much thought to the positive comments and compliments I receive. Why? Because people often lie just to make people feel better and I do not need boost myself up on fakeness and lies. Growing up as an obese child I heard the phrase “You have such a pretty face, it’s such a shame.” Wait? What? Was that a compliment or a put down? What’s a shame? It’s a shame that I have a pretty face? Or it’s a shame that I’m fat?

Of course not everyone who gives a compliment is lying. And I often struggle to accept compliments, and not question the intention of the person giving it. It is hard. What I am talking about it not easy, even for me. The looks I get from others do sting, being judged negatively in the workplace because of my appearance hurts beyond emotionally but financially.

I learned not to value or devalue my self worth based on what others thought about me…period. I do not think I’m beautiful, I KNOW I’m beautiful. I am confident, smart, funny, and I have pretty eyes, a bright smile, and cute dimples. Those are the FIRST things I notice when I see a picture of myself. If prompted to find negatives I could comment about the break-out on my chin and my overgrown eyebrows. It’s funny, I took this no make-up picture specifically for this blog post to show the REAL me, then I realized I was still wearing my blue contact lenses and promptly took them out and retook the pictures. The REAL natural ME.

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Saying I do not care about what others think of my appearance does not mean I do not take pride in how I look. There are also times when appearance matters, such as, work or special occasions. Self-confidence and pride in oneself allows for the inner beauty to shine through.

Self confidence is REAL beauty.

Of all the beauty posts I’ve seen in the past week, Colleen Clark comic gets it right: Our bodies do not define us.